'Tis me lot in life....

Today I'm to share how I work to overcome my lot in life.  Meh.  This question is making me cranky this morning.  There's not much about my worldly fate to bitch about and I'd rather not pitty pot and summon up the negative.  I guess I'm very fortunate then, that I don't have to sit here and sift through a lot of muck to choose something to discuss!  My life is pretty blessed!  There really is only ONE "lot" in my life's portion:  Attention Deficit Disorder, the true fucking bane of my existence.

This brain glitch of mine has affected my life in negative ways since childhood.  Growing up in the 70s-80s, quiet girls with ADD didn't get noticed in school and diagnosed.  The ADHD boys did because they usually had the hyperactive component of this disorder rendering teachers frazzeled and exhausted.  I was just labeled "LAZY", "unmotivated", "careless", "dreamy".  I spent many many years thinking that I just wasn't very bright.  Maybe I was retarded and my parents worked very hard to hide it!?
My ADD fed bullying, bred misunderstanding with my parents and teachers, made finishing college an impossibility, and has negatively impacted  many of my jobs and relationships.  I have left a wake of irritated, inconvenienced, disappointed people behind me. 
With ADD comes an abundance of shame, guilt, embarrassment, isolation.......
It wasn't until I was 36 that I took action.  I had long suspected some type of learning disability or ADD but also held that very irrational fear that I would probably just be told that I'm simply not very bright.  I didn't want to face that.  After having a baby and becoming a stay at home mom, my inability to hold down the house became a point of contention for my husband and I.  I had all day at home, why weren't things getting done?  I was trying very hard to handle this new job of mine.  And to anyone outside my brain, it simply looked like I was an unmotivated, insensitive, scatterbrained, housewife type.  I don't blame Miles for feeling concerned and upset at all....But it just wasn't true.  And I HAD to find out, once and for all, what the HELL was wrong with me.  So, after discussing my lot in life with a therapist, she referred me to a Neuropsychologist for a 3 day barrage of tests to uncover what was up with my faulty brain.  Attention Deficit Inattentive Disorder it was. When he went over the results with me, the first thing he said-with a chuckle-was,  "Well, your fears of being retarded are unfounded.....your intelligence scored very high, in the SUPERIOR range!  ADD is simply the weight tied to your foot making it hard to stay afloat.  The weakest link in your chain, if you will."  I cried.  It was SUCH a relief to let go of that stupid childhood fear.  I felt such pride to know that I was actually damned SMART!  ROT in HELL all you people who fed my feelings of inferiority over the years!!!!

Since my diagnosis I have tried a few different meds for ADD with no real results.  The cruelest experience being a combination of 2 meds that worked wonders for about ONE month.  It was like I woke up a new person!  I could stay on task!  I could remember and recall little details and facts!  I was ON THE BALL!  Mind in overdrive!  For the first time in my life, the veil of ADD was lifted and I truly experienced my "superior intelligence" for the first time!   It was amazing!  But it only lasted a short while....  Slowly as the days went by I could tangibly feel that veil descending again.  Distraction and overstimulation settled back in...my memory and ability to organize worsened....  And then, heartbreakingly, I was back to "normal".  It was very "Flowers for Algernon".  We tweaked the dosage for awhile, tried new meds.  Nothing really worked.  A lot of time, money, and energy wasted.  NOT worth putting CRAP into my body for, that's for sure.  The ONLY thing that I have felt makes a small dent in my ADD is the OMEGAS.  Glorious natural salmon oil.  So I take an overdose every day and it helps take the edge off, if you will.  My current plan of action nowadays, is to remain armed with knowledge(books, articles, resources filed away), know my limitations and not over-commit, and to readily admit my limitations to people without shame.  I struggle with the idea that people may think I use it as an excuse. I DO NOT.  I NEED to inform people about who I am and how I operate.  ADD is an insidious bugger.  It's unfair.  To people not in the know, it can make you look like a insensitive selfish ass....a total air head....a not very bright person....and I am NONE of these.  I HAVE to let the people around me know that.  Friends, co-workers, bosses..... whoever's lives I may affect.
In the future, I would like to delve back into some cognitive function work like CogMed to see what that brings me.....  But for now, it is what it is.  I work with it the best that I can...  Actually, I bet "they" have created a Godamned iPHONE APP that works with training ADD brains!!!!!  For Free!

............But what I wouldn't give to be able to synthesize and recall information....One of my greatest desires is to be able to really carry on great debates with people-especially political and ethical-without fear of loosing my train of thought, without my mind going blank and not being able to recall facts, without sounding uninformed....like that one month when I had such mental clarity, when I truly lived up to that superior intellect.......why is it SNOWING in mid May?  I need to get Willa up or we'll be runninL8.....  I need to pick up grad fixin's for Dylan's party.  This computer gets REALLY hot on my legs.....What is that bird call I'm hearing?  My Buddha fountain sounds so peaceful.  I shouldn't have had that piece of cake last night.  Tonight is Willa's play!  Shit I need to wake Wil- ooooo!  A snowshoe hare!!!  Pretty!

THIS MORNING'S "FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON" MOMENT

(This is an old FLUXGRAPHIA post...)
Would ya look at this?



This is my brain not on drugs.

Ahh, these crazy dazy morns before the Adderall's on board. That weird semi-retarded limbo of grogginess between waking and eating breakfast. There’s about 2-3 hours there before I pop my 2 meds and the smarts kick back in. Breky has to come first though, or I feel vomity. So I continually play this tug-of-war of trying not to make these wacky mistakes while preparing or serving breakfast. How many times have I poured OJ into my tot’s cheerios?

“Mommyyyyyyy! I don’t liiiiiiiike that in my bowl!”

Maple syrup in my coffee? Given the sippy cup to my 12 year old? And now the Pièce de résistance , pouring the water for my oatmeal into the pan with my scrambled eggs. I gave it to the dog. He looked down at his bowl, head cocked a few seconds, pondering.

“A TREAT! TREAT! I gave ya a treat in your bowl! Eggies!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Yeah, yeah, alright so it looks like hell. That’s not better than DRY kibble?!?! Just eat it.”

Tonight for dinner: Bitchin’ Burritos!. If I don’t forget to actually put them in the OVEN after pre-heating. 6PM, the flip side, Adderall has left the building .

SUNSHINE AND PRODUCTIVITY

Blue sky…not a cloud in it…slight wind still trying to tether us to winter. But the snow is gone. The green is bursting, and the sky is glorious. It was downright WARM when the breeze would subside. Warm sun on my skin in my tank top….then the breeze, and the fleece goes back on!
We just set up a blanket outside on the deck and got stuff done. Little things but lots of them. We made some pretty fairy jingles out of some wood letter “o”s that I got from the store a while back. I just sanded the edges till smooth so Lo would have a nice comfortable grip and then used a beeswax and lavender finish on them to bring out the grain and protect.

Man that stuff smells good. You can put it on your lips, too!
I ‘ve been thinking of different woodworking projects to try out and came up with a great template for an intarsia puzzle. Actually, my head has been just spinning the last couple of weeks with ideas for so many things. Toy making, kid clothes design, photography, garden art, painting, writing, and so on. My ADD brain just jumps from one thing to the next. Things are only half planned out and then I’m on to the next thing. At some point I come back to everything with the cycle staring again-all the while adding MORE ideas. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!! It can be an all consuming Bacchanalia, relentless and overwhelming. It can also be a fun, exciting, and very satisfying ride if I can just harness the thoughts and the time-keep everything “filed and organized” so that I don’t just shut down and do NOTHING…

Let’s see, the load of branches I hauled up our property from the neighbor a couple doors down.

They slashed a ton of their alder(grows like gangbusters up here-skinny and stunted) and twas mine for the taking! This pile will become:

a trellis for the “entrance” to the play garden, walking sticks, a “spirit stick” or two, and a few sets of tree blocks.

The greenhouse! We have plans for beatification. Huz and I mounted some chimes, I mounted Lo’s birdhouse as well, finally cleaned all the speckles of paint off the greenhouse door, planted some sugar snap peas to grow up the sides

and drew out an idea for the painting we’re going to paint on the door. I envision a stained glass look, colorful and transparent . The kids can go nuts with the trim if they like.

Ugh. As I sit here trying to think of what else I got done today…I can’t. I HATE that. I would have to wear a little pad and pen around my neck like a mute to document everything. Oh! I painted my toenails To Dive For Pink and had time to blog.

Then there’s Lo. Playin’ and doin’ life during all my inner mayhem. Here she is cuddling in the sun with her rock “baby”, Annie,-inspired by the story, Elizabetti’s Doll.

And later, her set up of little dolls feasting.

Off to the Huz with me. We need our “adult time” at the end of the day. Helps to turn down the volume in my brain.
Nighty night.