Showing posts with label MEMEs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MEMEs. Show all posts

January 1, 2014

Happy New Year...2014!!!




This year, I made up my own damn meme!


1.       2013… was your life a pond or a river?  At times, I felt like life was a rushing river of events.  Finally finishing our new addition, Dylan’s decision to enter the Air Force , graduating highschool and leaving home, a summer full of exploring new places, fun vacations….  And at other times it seemed quite like a still quiet pond.  My work environment stayed the same, my art is at a standstill because I have no place to paint freely(and when I had the chance to paint outside, I made the choice to play elsewhere), physically I did not experience reaching new goals like I had in 2012.   

2.      What was the impetus for growth this year- body, mind, and soul?  BODY:  Due to my illiotibial band injury and my sprained ankle at the beginning of the summer, no real physical changes were made.  That was hard to take-especially the fact that I couldn’t run over the summer.  I missed many of the summer races….but Miles and I where at least able to run two half marathons using a basic “run for one minute/walk for one minute” routine.  It was more of a restorative routine to protect our bodies that were not used to intense running at the time.  My gym routine is in maintenance mode and I am REALLY needing a change to switch things up and awaken my muscles and get ready for more intense building.  I DID nourish my body this year with all the amazing and HARD hikes we did!  MIND: I’ve made more time for reading this year to feed my mind.  I’m feeling the urge to go back to school…not because I don’t like my career…I just enjoy school and the idea of starting something new and different is very appealing….but in reality, not very likely any time soon.  I have started a Rosetta Stone course in Italian, though!  SOUL:  I would have to say our entire summer was balm and food for my soul.  See my “Something Special Every Day” posts.  What an incredible summer it was!  On the daily meditation that I talked about last New Years, I have failed.  I was SO revved up to make it the start of my day every day, even if for only 5 minutes.  Routine and distractions always get in the way though.  With ADD, quieting the mind is just.so.hard.  I think I’m the type of person who would benefit more from the structure of mediation on CD, or a group, or a mentor to check in with periodically.  I just can’t seem to make it happen on my own.  As for my hope to step up my writing, I’m pretty happy with how I have kept it up.  Not as often as I would like, but more then I had been doing.


3.      What freed your soul?   Themes of letting go presented themselves quite a bit this year.  In letting go of hurts, disappointments, not putting up with toxic people and situations, I was often reminded of these lines from the serenity prayer:  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change……….. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.” (Just to clarify: I’m not an addict, but like many, I find comfort in those words)

4.      What bad habit did you discard?  Habit?  Well, it’s more like the addiction of screens.  I’ve talked about this before.  And I’m happy with the progress I’ve made in keeping my screens off way more often!  I have a way to go and I plan to continue to improve in the next year.  Using the internets for communication and personal edification is one thing…..loosing yourself-and time-in it is another.  Another ADD problem.

5.      What magic presented itself?  When I think of magic, I think of Willa.  More than ever, she is such a joyous child.  And so very loving…intensely as of late.  Her developing sense of gratitude in life, empathy toward people and creatures, wonder at the world around her, physical abilities and expanding mind are a wonder to see.  She really is coming into her own wonderful personality…not a carbon copy of us, but her own true self.  And her own brand of humor is a joy!   Holy jeezus, I hope this doesn’t disappear with adolescence.  I would have to be committed at that point…

6.      What 3 words embody this past year?  PEACE, above all……Change…..exploration….

7.      Who fed your soul?  My family, always….My wonderful husband. I am constantly moved by how we just become closer, our understanding of each other deepens, we simply love each other more and more with every passing year.  We are very much our own person and yet so wonderfully entwined in many ways….a perfect blend.  Deepening friendships with a handful of good people.  As always, getting outside and playing!

8.      What new skill will you master?  Italian!!!!  Master?  Not so much….I hope by the time we head to Italy I’ll be able to have a basic conversation.

9.      Is there someone out there you would like to strive to be more like in 2014?  I’m pretty happy with myself but realize there is always room for growth.  This past year, I’ve had to take a close look at my shyness-riding the cusp of social anxiety, actually- and how it has worsened over the years…how I have changed from who I was in my 20’s.  I have always been shy and tentative around new people.  But that seems to have morphed into being seen as “reserved” even when I think I’m being “myself”, sociable, open, lighthearted.  A friend pointed out over the summer that I seem so outrageous on Facebook but am pretty reserved in real life.  Yuk!  An eye opener.  While social media has been wonderful for staying in touch with some great people, and allowing me to have a voice in a way that I had never experienced when I was younger, it has also enabled me to be less apt to reach out to people in real life.  Socializing from the comfort of my living room is so EASY!  No real judgment, no awkward silences, no struggling to break the ice.  I have allowed it to really change me and I need to nip this shit in the bud, NOW!  I’m so grateful to have found some new friends this year that I feel comfortable being my true self around.  THEY might not see the full me yet, but I do, when I’m with them.  So, is there someone out there I would strive to be like?  My duty is to strive to be the highest form of myself, whatever that may be, but my friend Noel has always been the person that I have said I would like to be if I could reincarnate after death.  I met Noel when I lived in Montana and was instantly blown away.  She, in my eyes, lives life fearlessly, without a care for what people think, in whatever way feeds her soul.  The type of person who would break out in dance at work to some crazy tune, shave her head to see what it would be like, express herself with a wide open heart and mind experiencing whatever interested her in life.  GOING FOR IT.  She is an artist, a thinker, an explorer, a champion for women and girls entrenched in sex trafficking….and soon she will be a mama. 

10.   What was the most important lesson learned this past year that you will take into the next?  Number 9 segues nicely into this one.  Because of my shyness, I missed out on knowing a wonderful person…perhaps making a family friend.  Our neighbor, Stephen, lived a couple miles down the road.  I’m sure we had all often been at the same events in the past, but I had never officially met him.  He was very active in and an integral part of the LGBT community as well as Progressive political groups.  We ran in the same political circles and struck up a “friendship” on Facebook over the last couple of years.  Stephen was known as a quiet but very kind, gentle and giving person, an avid outdoorsman and a brilliant mind.  He was always making political signs for use to use at sign wavings, marches and to stake in our yard.  We always seemed to have trouble crossing paths when he came over to drop them off.  But Stephen often invited me and my family to go hiking with him, he gave us permission to hike on his property up the side of a mountain to a saddle between 2 ridges.  He offered to share some of his many flower and native plant starts for my yard and deck.  Because of my shyness, I never made it a priority.  There always seemed to be something else going on. I always thought there would plenty of time to get together with Stephen…  You NEVER know when a person will be lost forever.  Stephen went missing in October.  His neighbor was alarmed when he hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks.  There was an investigation and search of his home and property.  Nothing was found, no foul play suspected.  His phone was charging, his wallet on the counter, radio on playing NPR, a half eaten bowl of popcorn by his chair…it was as if he simply vanished in thin air.  People wondered if he had had a mental breakdown and just….left.  Some thought he dropped everything to go on an adventure.  He may have attacked by a bear while working on his property…….gotten hurt on a hike and succumbed to the below zero temperatures……I joined a group helping to alert the public about Stephen’s disappearance…to get his face and info known….I stapled his “missing person” poster on all the mailbox fences up and down Hiland road….I prayed that he would be found safe and that we could finally hike together, talk politics over dinner at our house, visit his gardens in the summer…. 

Stephen was found a month later, dead deep in his basement, by his brother who had flown out to help.  He had been crushed by a slab of concrete he was digging under to expand his basement shop.  I postponed our meeting too long.  I will never meet Stephen, have the chance to get to know him or make him a friend.  I missed out on knowing a wonderful person.  I won’t let this happen again.  Off with the computer…hand outstretched IN THE REAL WORLD.

11.   What good deed will you do this year?  I have always wanted to print out kind thoughts, inspiring sayings and pictures of beauty on cards to distribute with Willa around town.  On gas pumps, ATM machines, tables at coffee shops, random mailboxes…just to give people a surprise pick-me-up!

12.   Where will wanderlust take you this year?  Italy, Austria and Switzerland!!!!  We’ll be visiting Dylan at Aviano Air Base and traveling around from there.  I.Can.Not.Wait!!!!

13.   What new music, books, foods would you like to explore this year?  I will take the time to further explore my father’s massive collection of classical music as well as getting more acquainted with the latest Indian influenced ambient dubstep.   I’ve also taken a step back in time and have been enjoying a lot of the metal bands of my “youth”!  Books!  Not enough time! I’m working on finishing the Fire and Ice series.  I’m really in a medieval fantasy mode right now.  Foods….going with the Fire and Ice theme, Santa brought me the Feast of Fire and Ice cookbook.  I’ve been drooling over George R. R. Martin’s descriptions of decadent medieval meals since I started the series!  I would love to host a medieval themed party with foods from the books!

14.   What will you make happen in 2014?  Connection with REAL people, physical goals-weightlifting gains, skiing/running race personal bests, finding the time and place to paint again, exploring new territories of all kinds, continuing to find something wonderful in every day…
 
Our New Years...
Lunch at Humpy's, a fantastic skate ski on the Hillside trails-Willa did great keeping up!, home to warm showers, hot mulled wine and an evening of games we got for Christmas.  Various firework displays lit up our valley at midnight....Today we gobbled Mile's sticky buns for breakfast, went for a mellow 3.5 mile run with Willa, and spent the rest of the day lazing and watching an LOTR marathon!
 

Remember Chinese jacks??!


"Would You Rather..." THIS game is right up a 9 year old's alley!
 





 

November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving weekend

 
Steam.....from the COOKIN'!!!!
 
1.     Which do you like better: hosting Thanksgiving at your home, or going elsewhere?
  We have never hosted Thanksgiving dinner thanks to FOOTBALL and the fact that we don’t have TV at our house.    End of story.  I would LOVE to host but people don’t want to come to our house because either they want to host at their house and/or they can’t watch football at ours.  Feh
2.     Describe your perfect bite?
A fork full of turkey, mashed potatoes, and a bit of stuffing all dipped in cranberry sauce
3.     White meat or dark?
 OPT?  Other People's Turkeys?  Dark.  I barely like turkey as it is and I find that white meat equates to eating a wool sock.
4.     Do you buy a fresh or frozen turkey? Organic? Free-range?
 Mile’s usually wins a frozen turkey each year at work.  Just the usual run of the mill turkey that we smoke and use for soup.  I would really like to brine, smoke and cook up an organic free range hen sometime.....I may have my chance on Christmas Day this year.  We are putting our feet down and refusing to go to anyone else's house.  They can come to OURS for once.  There's no friggin football on. 
5.     Stuffing with giblets or without?  
 I like pulling out the giblet bag and obnoxiously shoving them in the kids faces.  I used to give them to the dog…..
6.     Sweet potato pie or Pumpkin pie?
 Miles makes a killer pumpkin pie that even I like!  And then we pair it with my famous cranberry/apple pie.  Tradition!

7.     Anything you won’t eat at the Thanksgiving meal?
Turnips.  GGUUHHH, my family always used to make mashed turnips.  One of the few foods that will make me puke.
8.     Carve Mr. Gobble at the table or serve on a platter? 
At the table for chrissakes…a la Clark Griswold.
9.     What side dishes are a must-have in your family?
MASHED-FUCKIN-POTATOES or Momma aint happy.
10.  Do you stick with a particular menu from year to year, or do you mix it up? 
Up until about 4 years ago, when we started going to the T’s house for Turkey/Football day, we mixed it up every year.  Since we had not yet experienced a brined/smoked turkey, the family was HATIN’ on turkey so we made some  alternative dinners!  We did fondue with homemade won tons, shrimp, and veggies….with the traditional Thanksgiving  sides a couple years in a row.  One year we roasted some cute Cornish game hens and made stuffing with oysters.  Maybe a ham once……..
11.  Are leftovers a blessing or a curse? 
Turkey Soup on a cold Alaska night is always a blessing!  Just throw the mashed potatoes in and make it thicker!  Cranberry/turkey sammiches…What’s so cursey about that?
12.  Formal table or Chinet?
 Paper plates?  Really?  Not unless we had, like, 50 guests.  My momma taught me better than that.  Lazy, wasteful, tacky and did I say LAZY?
13.  Your menu:  If I got to host?!?!
Organic free range hen.  Miles would brine and smoke it.
My amazaballs oyster stuffing
MASHED-FUCKIN-PO-TA-TOES that Miles makes to perfection
My phenomenal cranberry chutney
My Brussel sprouts with craisins and Gorgonzola, a new family fav
         Miles's homemade bread with Willa’s homemade butter
 
 
White wine, a Gewurztraminer or pinot grigio….and, of course, red wine.  Marziano Abbona San Luigi Dolcetto di Dogliani, Piedmont, 2010
14.  Extended family, friends, both or just the immediate family for dinner? 
I would really enjoy having both!  My mom and Pops and some good friends! And folks who don't have families to celebrate with....
15.  Is Thanksgiving a religious or secular holiday in your home? 
Neither, but it’s a spiritual day.  Even if I just have to grab at the few quiet moments to inwardly give thanks and breathe in the wonder of it all….everything we are blessed with….  It’s also  a chance for me to help my children(well, it's just Willa now) find the grace in giving pause to be thankful.  A time of openly sharing what means the most to each of us, to acknowledged the TRUE origin of this holiday, to hold in reverence the native peoples of this land that have suffered at the hands of those who would conquer and destroy.  It IS a spiritual day….despite the eats, drinks, and screaming at the tube.
 
16.  After dinner, do you go to the latest movie or watch football on TV or just a turkey induced snooze?
Football before, during and after…..feh.  As much as I HATE when the chicks hang with the chicks and the guys hang with the guys at social events, this year while our men occupied the man cave, the women folk and children gathered about to play Scattegories.  We had a GREAT time, lots of laughing and silliness and some seriously creative answers!  So glad I stayed upstairs to play.  And I DID get in the obligatory after-turkey nap.
 
17.  Do you watch the Macy’s Parade?   
Haven’t watched it since I was a kid!  But EVERYTHING is so commercialized and corporatized anymore.....
18.  Christmas decorations up before or after?
The weekend after Thanksgiving is traditionally when we fuck up our backs hauling up the decs from the crawlspace.  By Sunday evening the tree is up, lit, and ornamentized and the rest of the house sporting our wacky mish-mash of holiday fare.
19.  Black Friday shopping or sleep in. 
 Fuck.Black.Friday.  You have to be a real douche to buy into that shit.  And even douchyer to go out on Thanksgiving!  What’s the popular meme this year?  “Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.”   Disgraceful.  Curmudgeonly rant over.
20.  Favorite Thanksgiving memory?
So many!  The year Miles dropped a pan of green bean almondine on the floor and implemented the 5 second rule-dude’s FAST!-and then later almost caught the dinner table on fine.  …not so much Miles’s fondest memory.  I thought it was a knee slapper, though!  And when we had T-Day dinner at home, we always had a blast at the post-gorge neighborhood sledding party!  Sad now that so many of the kids are over 18….and that the hosts of the sledding party have moved.  L sigh……
       
21.  Picture taker or memory maker?  BOTH!  My drunken antics sparklin’ personality and camera skills make for lovely memories both tangible and ethereal.   ~hic....


This years Thanksgiving was almost complete...with a cold bright morning to trek over to our friend's house in, a hearty workout on the ski trails, hot showers, Baileys and coffee, happy chatter, snuggling with my hunny, kids playing, cooking, eating, football, games and the yearly performance put on by the kids.  The only thing missing was Dylan.  Our first Thanksgiving without her.  Willa burst into tears at the dinner table when our friend mentioned Dylan during grace. She really struggled not to.  I saw the corners of her mouth quiver downward like they do when emotion is making it's way up...she turned her eyes to the ceiling in an attempt to stave off the tears while Todd spoke.  She glanced over at me and I offered a knowing smile....and that was it.  I walked Willa to the bathroom where she buried her head in my chest and let out what she had held in since her sister left.   I hope it was cathartic and clearing for her.  I hope Dylan knows how fortunate she is to have so much love around her.  And that she is missed.





Halibut and shrimp turkeys for the vegetarian in the group!

The formerly obligatory, eye-rollable, VERY chaotic and off-the-cuff yearly T-Day performance by the kids was actually enjoyable this year!  I can't believe they put together a really cute musical about 3 little turkeys AND included the token boy under 10 in the creativity!  The girls also choreographed a lovely dance to Katy Perry's Legendary Lovers.  Willa isn't your typical play dress up and shake her booty kind of kid....but the dance was so sweet...the kids so innocent...it was a struggle to hold in tears.

Three little turkeys terrified of the hungry farmer!


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................


The rest of our Thanksgiving weekend was spent skiing in wonderland, seeing the Nutcracker ballet in Anchorage, playing games in front of the warm fire, making cookies, putting winterlights up outside, finishing up  the inside decorations, and watching Christmas movies.  And snuggling.  Lots of that.
 





The Game of Life.....New York Life style!


 
My favorite Holiday movie....absolutely timeless and lovely and relevant today. 


June 2, 2013

Letting go....


......A big theme for me these past few months.  The things that need to be let go of come in a few forms.....letting go of expectations, hurt, anger, obligations of protectiveness... Letting go of some things has been easy....a blessing and relief actually.  Just an eye opening paradigm shift to the realization that holding onto some shit has just become habit and life is so FREE without it!!!  Some things I struggle with daily.  I feel helpless, sometimes, when people say, "you just need to let go of that."  I know I do....but HOW?!  WHO can tell me THAT?!  HOW does one let go of that prickly barb that seems to stick and hurt more as you try to pull it out and toss it aside?  Those things I have no control over and the accompanying emotions can't simply be let go of...I've tried that.   But that was just shutting off those emotions, stuffing them down and then saying, "Ok!  I let go!".  NOT healthy.  So, for some things, I can't just let go...... without the help of time....and consistent mindfulness and intent to gently let the burr work itself out....and the hope that what/whoever instigated the negativity to begin with won't continue to do so.   Some things haunt....

Little symbolic gestures such as finding a white ptarmigan feather on a hike, placing what I want to let go of within the feather, and releasing it into the wind, can be helpful.....


For a few years now, for some reason, when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think about are my kids and how fast they are growing, how soon it will be that they are grown up and out on their own.  And I have to get myself up and moving before the pain and dread kicks in.  Be in the NOW, I tell myself.  Cherish TODAY, every day.  And the world will surely not end the day my youngest leaves!  But, oh, does it hurt.......

And now, here we are, with our first child GONE.  I have had so many emotions revolving around this, so many variables and facets to the situation, that my head is still just spinning.  One second she was filling out paperwork to move into the dorms with her best friend at the University of Alaska   Anchorage and the next.....she's walking into the house with a big text book under her arm, saying she's studying for the ASVABs and going into the Air Force.  While she had casually-in our eyes- thrown around the military idea in the past year, we were not expecting this.  We had been gearing ourselves up for the moderate transition of our girl leaving home.  A beneficial change for all of our family.  The independence that campus life would give her, but she would still be accessible.  Coffee and lunch dates in town....maybe sitting in on a class with her!  Bring her friends to our house on a Saturday night for a BBQ and to get some laundry done.   Having Willa to the dorm for a sleep-over, maybe... Holidays and family vacations.....

Within a month or so of that night, she's graduating high school and, SLAM, 5 days later.......she ships out for basic training. 
She's gone.  Our jobs raising her, over. 
It just happened SO fast.  Of course most teens can't wait to get their own show on the road-we've ALL been there!  The life ahead!  SO exciting!  But she seemed to gear all of her decisions in order to leave the quickest she could.  We have fought against viewing the tremendous rush to leave as a refection on us. There is so much sadness and grief and disappointment and, yes, some anger that we were kept out of the loop of what she had obviously been way more seriously planning then we thought.  It doesn't seem fair.  Our expectation of her was that she would have the bravery to be honest and open with us about this big decision.  As parents we expected her to go into this open minded and ready to answer questions and consider every side-even the stuff she didn't want to hear.  And we wanted to be to be able to learn about it all and have the time to let it sink in and evolve within us so that we could come to terms with it, be supportive and excited along with her on this new journey.  We were denied that.  We struggle with so much "what did we do wrong? and why did she need so badly to leave so quickly? Does she have any idea of how deeply she is loved...does it matter...and, nobody's perfect, but what did we do that was so wrong?"  And so many tears......  I've seen my husband shed a quick tear or two over the years....but his sudden violent sobbing upon glancing into her bedroom the day she left.........her little sister just loosing it on the car ride home from the airport......

We have tried so very hard over the past couple of months to be supportive of Dylan's decision.  Her path is not the path Miles and I had envisioned....  And this is what I'm in the process of trying to let go of.  This is MY shit.  The expectation that if my child has a bright mind and a good head on their shoulders, well, they go to college and use it!  At least 4 years!  All those fabulous new independent experiences for the mind!!!!  I want my children's first experience flying from the nest to be one of FREEDOM.  Academic, social, spiritual, emotional FREEDOM.  They spend their childhood under our wings, it's time to spread their wings and get a taste of life away from home, whether it's 30 minutes away or 2 thousand miles.  To have the freedom from parental influence to choose what they want to study, to meet new people fresh and excited as they are to be stepping into more adult roles,  to enjoy all the stimulation and openness that the college experience as a whole can offer them, on THEIR terms.  I never envisioned that Dylan's first experience away from home would be the complete antithesis of the above.... and it makes my heart sad...    But, again, that's MY shit.  And I need to let it go.  She's made her decision.  And even though it's not what I want for her-out of love and  excitement for her future and what I felt would be most healthy for her mind and soul and happiness-it's a path to where she wants to be in the future.  It took bravery and independent vision to make that decision to take the first step toward her reality and I'm in awe with much respect for that.  And her potential future seems wonderful and exciting!   ....Appealing to the adventurer in me and I'm so happy to see one within her!  But her current path from a to b......will it make her a more strong, inspiring, kind, altruistic, emotionally brave, open-minded, soul-soaringly happy, richly fulfilled woman who is "doing good work"( to paraphrase Garrison Keillor.) ???

 Ultimately, that is my highest and greatest wish for my girls. 
The rest.....I need to let it go.....