Existing in stunned limbo

Dea is home from Europe. She had a fantastic time, even with all the teen drama... For now, I do not recommend Sending your kids on a People to People program. I will try to elaborate at some later time.

My family and I spent the weekend with dear friends, the "T's", camping on their property on Montana Creek. We were joined by 2 other families as well as the T's best buddy and beloved "uncle" to their children. A kind, loving, and LOYAL man, living singly without family in Alaska other then the T's, that my family always very much looked forward to seeing. We all suffered the death of this friend on Saturday as we hiked to a nearby river. From our family, only Lo was spared the sight(as far as we can tell).

My head is spinning as i try to hold the images at bay. I am truly not able to see past the next second. Just wrestling with the unanswerable question,"Why." and trying to make peace with the images emblazoned in my mind. Another friend who was present was very comforting in her advice to "keep the heart open when the images come and let his spirit go in peace." I added, for Dea's sake, to turn what she saw into an image of him, and his dog, spouting angel wings and running together, happy, to a better place. A place of no sadness or loneliness. A big green meadow where that dog can around with all the big stupid branches his crazy heart desires.

She saw. Jesus Christ GOD DAMN it. FUCK!
I wish I could take it all upon my own shoulders, take if from her and spare her of it. I would take it all if I could. Bless her in all her 13 year old wisdom. "I know everything happens for a reason. We don't know what it is but it makes us who we are." She has endured ENOUGH in her 13 years. I'm so Godamned MAD right now. At that lazy selfish PIECE of SHIT biological "mother" of hers DO YOU HEAR ME WOMAN?!?!?!? Do YOU FUCKING FEEL ME RIGHT NOW wherever the hell you are?!?!?! She came from your own fucking body and you HURT her. You bitter self absorbed piece of shit. You threw away a precious child and a wonderful man who's true beauty could only shine in your absence. You never knew him. YOUR LOSS. And fuck you, too, sarah palin while I'm at it, with those beautiful children at home who need their godamned mother. You could loose them all in the blink of an eye, you twit. Why do you "women" give throw away your CHILDREN?!!??! I'm so FUCKING mad at that shit ass dog. She never would listen. She never came. Stupid fucking animal. I'm MAD at that train track for even existing and MAD at that mean scary train that,"didn't care about anyone's feelings" as Lo put it. Mad at the sound of a train whislte- at the vibration you still feel even when you think you are far away...

Kay. I'm back from the Not Happy Place....But is Dea right? What will this do to her? Turn her into a stronger, better person? or shut her down more than it already has? ...I would bear it all for her if that was the case...

I can't see beyond the next second...
What I do know is that while my family is awake I DON'T want to be plugged into this box, this FALSE world. I want to be PRESENT for/with them. As much as I love writing-at this moment-it's not worth the time it takes me away from them. I know I will have to wrestle with the idea that I need to have the things that enrich ME and make me whole-and how to better incorporate them into my life shared with others. At This Moment, unless my family is sleeping or not at home, I can't fit this in when I could be with them. When my head stops reeling, I'll try for the mornings when all are asleep. And I will still be looking at the wonderful lives you all live around me for I have gained so much from you all on a daily basis that enriches my life and in turn, my family's.

When you receive such a slap to the soul as we did this past weekend, you wake up to the realization of how fragile life is. How it is there one second and gone the next. By all means live your lives to the fullest, but hold it dear. Try not to let the little things get in the way. It's NOTHING. A friend recently wrote something that touched me: "You don't know how wonderful something is until you feel it slipping through your fingers." (Thanks, Jen )Try not to take the ones you love for granted. Thank Spirit every day for what you have. Truly.
Life....like the lightest feather.

And take your mother-effing puppies to OBEDIENCE SCHOOL for the love of god.....