4. Coffee....for the LOVE of GOD, man, coffee.
5. The valley in which I live and all the beauty, wildlife, change and opportunity it offers.
6. When my art pleases someone so much that they are willing to buy it!
7. Running...Miles and miles and miles....
8. Traveling/exploring
9. When a client tells me they feel so much relief after a massage. Or better yet, they stop coming in because I helped fix the problem!
10. The Harlem Shake videos!
To all the people who fall down the stairs....I am sorry that I think it's hysterical. I KNOW my time is coming....
(Disclaimer: Some of these clips are NOT funny, obviously.)
I apologize for GOING OFF on various "AWESOME MOMMIES" -type Facebook pages where shitty moms ask for advice from other shitty moms. Example: "*MaMa Needs Advice* Hi my name is Audrey and tm I am being induced with my first child and I'm the kind of person that wants to be aware of what's going to go on, my doctor didn't tell me anything about what they will be doing tm and I don't wanna be completely unprepared for what they are gonna do, is there any advice you could lend to me about what will be going on tomorrow?". SERIOUSLY?!?! She didn't fucking research her own birth?!??! I could go on and on....
I know that I might better get my point across being kind, persuasive and inform- aw, FUCK it! These broads are such raging DOUCHES! I shall flame away till banned!
Dear offended lady in the Alaska Club bathroom 2 years ago,
Here's the full story: I was driving into town to weightlift before work. About 2 minutes from the club I was struck with severe GI distress out of nowhere. I'm sorry I didn't turn around right then and there and head all the back to Eagle River -20+ minutes-for the privacy of my own home. Instead, I selfishly continued on to the club where I promptly ran into the nearest bathroom stall to evacuate my painfully roiling bowels. I did not know that YOU, your eminence, were in the next stall. I TOTALLY COMPLETELY understood your need to announce to the entire locker-room from the anonymity of your stall, "OH, my fucking GOD that smell is HEINOUS! Bring it to a public locker room why don't you?!?! Courtesy flush maybe?!?!? Jesus that is just GROSS! MY God......You just don't DO that! DisGUSting!!". And on and on...... THANK you, Sweetling, for alerting me to my abject egocentricity. How DARE I. I assure you I have striven ever since to be a better person....to NEVER behave in such a selfish manner, to pucker that butthole shut TIGHT like a tied off balloon neck whenever I'm in public. I only wish that when I emerged from that stall on that unfortunate morning, I was able to identify you out of the 5 women silently washing their hands and averting their eyes. I would have bitchslappped THANKED YOU right the fuck there for showing me the error of my ways.
NOT my photo
Dear Neurotic, Paranoid, Nasty Neighbor from my childhood in New Jersey,
When we were like, 14, my friend Sue and I spray painted "Kielbasa Queen" on your trash can and placed it prominently in your front yard on Cabbage Night. I now see that what we did was totally unwittingly racist. It should have said, " I am a zaftig, Neurotic, Paranoid, Nasty Neighbor who's cigar chewing husband always looks like he has a big turd hanging out of his mouth." Sorry.
Dear Michelle, you little SHIT,
I'm sorry I kipped your little plastic lamb in '79 after you accused me of false wrongdoing and got me grounded twice. Dick.
Dear creepy massage therapy client,
I'm sorry about that time that I locked the clinic door and pretended not to be there after I looked out the window and saw that it was YOU. I was alone in the clinic that day and ,well, you're CREEPY.
I'm sorry, body, that I'm sitting here on my ass apologizing for silly shit, and not out running cuz it was spitting snow at 6am and I totally wussed out despite my, "There is no bad weather, just soft people" mantra. It WILL happen today.
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mamas! Thank you for being your dedicated, amazing, nurturing, compassionate selves! We (and our partners) are blessed with the most difficult, important and rewarding job there is. Honor it. As both an adopter and an adoptee, I feel extra privileged that I was CHOSEN by both my mother and my eldest daughter.
I'm feeling very grateful that my mom is here with us today. It's been years since we have spent a mother's day together! This is a very tumultuous time in my life and I'm needing my mommy. So glad she is here to share in some special events with us...Willa's birthday, Mother's Day, Dylan's graduation and grad/goodbye party....and she will be here when we deliver our little girl into the hands of the military...the last time she will be living under our roof.
Can't breathe.
Today's prompt is "What do you miss?". I'll keep it short since I have more important things going on today...
I miss my best friend like nobody's fuckin' business. My soul sister. There is just nothing like her...or the depth of our friendship.
I miss Montana and gardening with my best friend, my husband. Solo soulful backpacking trips....
I miss my sweet dog terribly.
I miss my fat lovin' kitty cat.
I miss my step dad who truly took on the task of fathering me and was the best ever.
I miss the man my dad was back in the day.
I miss my grandma who was my biggest supporter and who taught me to find joy, wonder and solace in nature and in quiet.
...But I have SO terribly much to be happy and grateful for in the NOW. So off I go into a lovely day with my family...lunch in town, sofa shopping, and a hike.
I had to dig a bit for this one. Either I've repressed my really embarrassing moments....or I really haven't had too terribly many of them. It seems in the last decade, I've become more chill about these unfortunate events. What would have had me cringing in a cave in my youth just isn't that big of a deal anymore. I can laugh about this goofy shit and I generally have a more cavalier "oh, well. Shit happens!" attitude. THANK the gods. I tortured myself over the little things that attracted negative attention when I was younger. Now? Eh. What evz.
When I was a teen, the BANE of my existence was the fucking girl-stache that emerged on my upper lip. First it was light fuzz, no big whoop. But then it darkened and thickened a bit. My misplaced eyebrow MORTIFIED me. A fucking nose neighbor! I dealt with it by absolutely pretending that it did not exist. If the subject came up in ANY context I would completely shut off and ignore the whole thing Sarah Palin style. I stopped looking at my face in the mirror. I was too embarrassed to discuss it with ANYONE. I wasn't going to acknowledge it enough to actually take steps to do something about it...it was just my lot in life. As a matter of fact, there was nothing there, right? The subject did not exist.
NOT ME!!! Not my photo. 'Twas found via Google.
So one day I'm dinning with family at my aunt and uncle's house. Midway through dinner, my sweet 4 year old cousin, Christopher, is sitting there staring at me. I smile. Talk continues. I glance again at my cousin. Still staring. I raise my eyebrows at him questioningly. Loud and strong above the conversation, that kid accuses, "Dana. YOU have a mustache." It's like the kid want's to know Waddaya gonna DO about it?! I attempt to take him down with a glare unmatched by any. He looks affronted by his discovery. I ignore him. I AM DYING INSIDE, CHILD. So he turns to the rest, "Dana has a mustache?". Everyone quiets down.
And from here the memory goes BLACK. No idea what happened. Perhaps my psyche fainted...id trumping ego. We'll never know. I love my cousin.
Happily, many years later, I finally went in for my first upper lip waxing. A revolution within!!!!BEST.THING.EVER!!!!!!!
Nowadays, I'm know for exclaiming to friends at the grocerystore , "Dig my red 'stache! Just got waxed!". It's good to be grown up.
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