My appologies

To all the people who fall down the stairs....I am sorry that I think it's hysterical.  I KNOW my time is coming....

(Disclaimer:  Some of these clips are NOT funny, obviously.)

 

I apologize for GOING OFF on various "AWESOME MOMMIES" -type Facebook pages where shitty moms ask for advice from other shitty moms.  Example:  "*MaMa Needs Advice* Hi my name is Audrey and tm I am being induced with my first child and I'm the kind of person that wants to be aware of what's going to go on, my doctor didn't tell me anything about what they will be doing tm and I don't wanna be completely unprepared for what they are gonna do, is there any advice you could lend to me about what will be going on tomorrow?".  SERIOUSLY?!?!  She didn't fucking research her own birth?!??!  I could go on and on....
I know that I might better get my point across being kind, persuasive and inform- aw, FUCK it!  These broads are such raging DOUCHES!  I shall flame away till banned!

Dear offended lady in the Alaska Club bathroom  2 years ago,
Here's the full story:  I was driving into town to weightlift before work.  About 2 minutes from the club I was struck with severe GI distress out of nowhere.  I'm sorry I didn't turn around right then and there and head all the back to Eagle River -20+ minutes-for the privacy of my own home.  Instead, I selfishly continued on to the club where I promptly ran into the nearest bathroom stall to evacuate my painfully roiling bowels.  I did not know that YOU, your eminence, were in the next stall.  I TOTALLY COMPLETELY understood your need to announce to the entire locker-room from the anonymity of your stall, "OH, my fucking GOD that smell is HEINOUS!  Bring it to a public locker room why don't you?!?!  Courtesy flush maybe?!?!?  Jesus that is just GROSS!  MY God......You just don't DO that!  DisGUSting!!".  And on and on......  THANK you, Sweetling, for alerting me to my abject egocentricity.  How DARE I.  I assure you I have striven ever since to be a better person....to NEVER behave in such a selfish manner, to pucker that butthole shut TIGHT like a tied off balloon neck whenever I'm in public.  I only wish that when I emerged from that stall on that unfortunate morning,  I was able to identify you out of the 5 women silently washing their hands and averting their eyes.  I would have bitchslappped THANKED YOU right the fuck there for showing me the error of my ways.

NOT my photo

Dear Neurotic, Paranoid, Nasty Neighbor from my childhood in New Jersey,
When we were like, 14, my friend Sue and I spray painted "Kielbasa Queen" on your trash can and placed it prominently in your front yard on Cabbage Night.  I now see that what we did was totally  unwittingly racist.  It should have said, " I am a zaftig, Neurotic, Paranoid, Nasty Neighbor who's cigar chewing husband always looks like he has a big turd hanging out of his mouth."  Sorry.

Dear Michelle, you little SHIT,
I'm sorry I kipped your little plastic lamb in '79 after you accused me of false wrongdoing and got me grounded twice.  Dick.

Dear creepy massage therapy client,
I'm sorry about that time that I locked the clinic door and pretended not to be there after I looked out the window and saw that it was YOU.  I was alone in the clinic that day and ,well, you're CREEPY.

I'm sorry, body, that I'm sitting here on my ass apologizing for silly shit, and not out running cuz it was spitting snow at 6am and I totally wussed out despite my, "There is no bad weather, just soft people" mantra.  It WILL happen today.