......A big theme for me these past few months. The things that need to be let go of come in a few forms.....letting go of expectations, hurt, anger, obligations of protectiveness... Letting go of some things has been easy....a blessing and relief actually. Just an eye opening paradigm shift to the realization that holding onto some shit has just become habit and life is so FREE without it!!! Some things I struggle with daily. I feel helpless, sometimes, when people say, "you just need to let go of that." I know I do....but HOW?! WHO can tell me THAT?! HOW does one let go of that prickly barb that seems to stick and hurt more as you try to pull it out and toss it aside? Those things I have no control over and the accompanying emotions can't simply be let go of...I've tried that. But that was just shutting off those emotions, stuffing them down and then saying, "Ok! I let go!". NOT healthy. So, for some things, I can't just let go...... without the help of time....and consistent mindfulness and intent to gently let the burr work itself out....and the hope that what/whoever instigated the negativity to begin with won't continue to do so. Some things haunt....
Little symbolic gestures such as finding a white ptarmigan feather on a hike, placing what I want to let go of within the feather, and releasing it into the wind, can be helpful.....
For a few years now, for some reason, when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think about are my kids and how fast they are growing, how soon it will be that they are grown up and out on their own. And I have to get myself up and moving before the pain and dread kicks in. Be in the NOW, I tell myself. Cherish TODAY, every day. And the world will surely not end the day my youngest leaves! But, oh, does it hurt.......
And now, here we are, with our first child GONE. I have had so many emotions revolving around this, so many variables and facets to the situation, that my head is still just spinning. One second she was filling out paperwork to move into the dorms with her best friend at the University of Alaska Anchorage and the next.....she's walking into the house with a big text book under her arm, saying she's studying for the ASVABs and going into the Air Force. While she had casually-in our eyes- thrown around the military idea in the past year, we were not expecting this. We had been gearing ourselves up for the moderate transition of our girl leaving home. A beneficial change for all of our family. The independence that campus life would give her, but she would still be accessible. Coffee and lunch dates in town....maybe sitting in on a class with her! Bring her friends to our house on a Saturday night for a BBQ and to get some laundry done. Having Willa to the dorm for a sleep-over, maybe... Holidays and family vacations.....
Within a month or so of that night, she's graduating high school and, SLAM, 5 days later.......she ships out for basic training.
She's gone. Our jobs raising her, over.
It just happened SO fast. Of course most teens can't wait to get their own show on the road-we've ALL been there! The life ahead! SO exciting! But she seemed to gear all of her decisions in order to leave the quickest she could. We have fought against viewing the tremendous rush to leave as a refection on us. There is so much sadness and grief and disappointment and, yes, some anger that we were kept out of the loop of what she had obviously been way more seriously planning then we thought. It doesn't seem fair. Our expectation of her was that she would have the bravery to be honest and open with us about this big decision. As parents we expected her to go into this open minded and ready to answer questions and consider every side-even the stuff she didn't want to hear. And we wanted to be to be able to learn about it all and have the time to let it sink in and evolve within us so that we could come to terms with it, be supportive and excited along with her on this new journey. We were denied that. We struggle with so much "what did we do wrong? and why did she need so badly to leave so quickly? Does she have any idea of how deeply she is loved...does it matter...and, nobody's perfect, but what did we do that was so wrong?" And so many tears...... I've seen my husband shed a quick tear or two over the years....but his sudden violent sobbing upon glancing into her bedroom the day she left.........her little sister just loosing it on the car ride home from the airport......
We have tried so very hard over the past couple of months to be supportive of Dylan's decision. Her path is not the path Miles and I had envisioned.... And this is what I'm in the process of trying to let go of. This is MY shit. The expectation that if my child has a bright mind and a good head on their shoulders, well, they go to college and use it! At least 4 years! All those fabulous new independent experiences for the mind!!!! I want my children's first experience flying from the nest to be one of FREEDOM. Academic, social, spiritual, emotional FREEDOM. They spend their childhood under our wings, it's time to spread their wings and get a taste of life away from home, whether it's 30 minutes away or 2 thousand miles. To have the freedom from parental influence to choose what they want to study, to meet new people fresh and excited as they are to be stepping into more adult roles, to enjoy all the stimulation and openness that the college experience as a whole can offer them, on THEIR terms. I never envisioned that Dylan's first experience away from home would be the complete antithesis of the above.... and it makes my heart sad... But, again, that's MY shit. And I need to let it go. She's made her decision. And even though it's not what I want for her-out of love and excitement for her future and what I felt would be most healthy for her mind and soul and happiness-it's a path to where she wants to be in the future. It took bravery and independent vision to make that decision to take the first step toward her reality and I'm in awe with much respect for that. And her potential future seems wonderful and exciting! ....Appealing to the adventurer in me and I'm so happy to see one within her! But her current path from a to b......will it make her a more strong, inspiring, kind, altruistic, emotionally brave, open-minded, soul-soaringly happy, richly fulfilled woman who is "doing good work"( to paraphrase Garrison Keillor.) ???
Ultimately, that is my highest and greatest wish for my girls.
The rest.....I need to let it go.....
