Fall emerging, changes within... and thanks

I wanted to thank everyone for the comments left on my last post regarding our schooling dilemma. I appreciated them all. For those who lent support and kind thoughts, it has really helped me along the last couple of weeks. And they have been ROUGH. This is the one place where I haven't felt alone and floundering at sea...

One comment that really hit home for me was this one left by the wise and wonderful ANTHROMAMA:

"PS: I don't think it's elitist to recognize when something doesn't match your values. Same as if you were fundamentalist Christian and didn't want your kids in public school because of what you felt were immoral influences. You want what you feel is best for your children, period."

THANK YOU. After reading that, I felt like kicking my own ass for being self-deprecating. I'm not some superficial metro-mama stomping my foot because my daughter didn't get into the pretty school I wanted. I have always strived to provide what I have felt is best for my children's needs. My educational, philosophical...my LIFE view has evolved and metamorphosed in the past 2 years to the point that the mainstream public school educational paradigm simply goes against the grain of what resonates as RIGHT in education ,with me. No offense to those hardworking dedicated teachers who do make a difference in many children's lives. I know my child will do well wherever she attends-but at varying degrees. If given the opportunity to offer what I feel is the best education for her, I will take it. Because I know that the person that she will become as a result of Waldorf education would eventually offer that much MORE to the world around us and she would be that much more of a grounded, joyful, whole person. This I know in my soul.

Many changes are happening around us. The trees are taking off their green summer dresses in favor of the colors of fall. Our magenta fireweed has turned bright red and gone to fluff. The dogwood, a deep red as well. The blueberries are in full swing and the birch, poplar and alder are just donning their bright yellows. We've been blessed with sun and unseasonably, but pleasantly warm weather. Lo's inner changes are just as intense. I have been joking that aliens have abducted my kid and exchanged her with another. I knew to expect some regression but both Huz and I are dumbstruck with the intensity of it. What was the occasional unpleasant behavior has become a daily occurrence. Arguing, backtalk, pushing buttons and limits, some days it's constant whining... And heartbreaking turmoil as well. Lo often will say things like,"I don't feel like myself anymore. " "I feel....strange." "I feel like I'm in a dark scary place and I can't get out." "Can I take the day off from school?" "I just start missing you too much by lunch time". There have been a few nighttime bed wettings and she is so embarrassed. I can hear her fitful sleep through the monitor.

She has had so much trouble staying on task and I think it's because she gets so distracted by the need to play. To imagine and create. It's like she can't get enough of it once I pick her up from school. "Please get your jammies on" turns into a game of "baby". She wraps her bottoms in the top and rocks it and talks to it. If she's anything like her mama, then she needs that space, that time to recharge her battery with using her imagination. I've tried to give her that as best as I can. Bedtimes have been earlier and I have renewed my commitment to keeping rhythm and routine in the house as best as I am able. I have much work to do on remaining calm and anchoring during the rough times..not being afraid to lower my expectations of Lo for a little while as she tries to adjust to this huge change. This is the hardest thing she has ever gone through-probably for me as well(we won't go into my own pain of separation and sadness)- and I haven't exactly been the bastion of calm accepting support that she needs so desperately and I feel ashamed. Parenting..loving so intensely... can be so frightening at times. I worry. Is this who she is going to turn into? Do I need to be tough and nip this crap in the bud? My gut tells me she needs stability, firm but validating guidance, unconditional love, tenderness, an even keel. But then there is that insidious worry and the old dysfunctional tapes playing from my own childhood that sneak up and intrude on the hard work I've done on my own approach to parenting. I need to revisit some inner work as well. If anyone has a book, website, etc to recommend on inner parenting work I would appreciate it. So many questions come to mind. Is she too young for Kindy? She turned 5 in May and will be one of the youngest of her class...Would she be better off back in 3 1/2 days and then jump into full day first? On and on it goes...

And then there is blowing off steam by hunting for magical mushrooms! No, not those of the Terrence Mckenna ilk! Last week, Lo and I went out for a journey into the woods to look for some bolete mushrooms to add to our pasta. Looks like we missed the season for them because all we found was bolete MUSH. But these gorgeous orange amanita mushrooms abound! When Lo found this whimsical shroom with the perfect climbing vine next to it, the searched was ditched and the imagination soared.

We must have spent over an hour playing in that tiny enchanted place. Lo used some leaves as fairies who lived on the mushroom. I improved upon them by showing her how to make dogwood leaf fairies. Later we made another out of old-man's-beard moss.

It was just the creative release we both needed. I'm inspired to try and recreate this mushroom to scale-but not sure HOW yet! I wish I knew how to turn wood!