Those mornings, before Lexapro, were dreadful. As the scant first light seeped into the room casting everything in murk and nudging my circadian rhythms, the fears would surface. Heavy and indistinguishable at first, like the barely lightening surroundings of our room. My father's sunken face and slack mouth staring at..... My own teeth begin to crumble in my mouth. Incredulous, I spit them in my hand....and I am the one lying in a bed, devoid of my loved ones and my belongings. As I waken, my body vibrates unpleasantly. Briefly grateful as I recognize the warmth of my husband's body, the familiar feel of our soft bedding... But the hazy dreams sharpen into the reality of wakefulness...and begin to rush. What if something happens to my children? What if Miles dies. The kids....if they were to die.... Will I end up like my father, alone, dying in a room where no one knows me or cares? Staring blindly out at my past....taking inventory of what I did right and what I did wrong...
What will it be like when Dylan leaves? That little girl....it's over SO, SO soon. What if something happens to her.....what if she is hurt....or killed...what if one of our own violates her...what if her beautiful spirit is broken. Willa will be leaving soon, too. Sooner then I could ever imagine. What if she gets a terrible illness, cancer, hit by a car, what if she hates me and never comes back? Miles, if he dies before I do....what if I get sick and die before my kids are ready to take care of themselves? What happens if I am gone...what will happen if they are gone and I am the only one left...
I fear the loss of my dearest loves. I fear dying all alone. And, I fear the dentist.
