Dear Massage therapy clients…the
5% of you-You know who you are-...It's time to GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
The Stinkys:Hey! Lookit YOU, studly, coming straight from the gym to your massage without showering first! Thanks so much, fucker. I REALLY appreciate the road kill smell emanating from your drippy pits. There’s NOTHING like the smell of ass on a Monday morning and are you enjoying the feeling of grainy sweat salt mixed with oil being rubbed over you skin?!
Yeah, lady..... your 3 days dead salmon-baking-in -the -sun BREATH is making me puke in my mouth. And you're FACE DOWN on the table with me at your feet right now! What does THAT tell ya?! Can't wait to work on your neck and head!!! Reminder to self: Set a bowl of mints on the cabinet so that some folks might take the hint....
The Creepys:
Whoops! Pardon me, sir! Perhaps you didn’t understand the part when I said,”You can undress and slip under the sheet and blanket on the table. I’ll give you some privacy and be back in a couple of minutes.” YOU, sir, are still standing in the middle of my massage room in nuthin’ but your Spiderman underpants. Really? Spidy? No, I’m NOT impressed.
Whoops! Pardon me, sir! Perhaps you didn’t understand the part when I said,”You can undress and slip under the sheet and blanket on the table. I’ll give you some privacy and be back in a couple of minutes.” YOU, sir, are still standing in the middle of my massage room in nuthin’ but your Spiderman underpants. Really? Spidy? No, I’m NOT impressed.
And on the other end of the spectrum....are you SERIOUS, my dear?!?!? You are wearing full on scratchy wool long underwear and won't take them off? I know it's winter in Alaska, but......alright. Maybe you have issues....You DO realize this massage is gonna kinda suck now?
Ew. You are totally silent and staring wide eyed at the ceiling. Are you dead? No, I can see that you're kind just looking around at the ceiling.....I don't know what's going on in there but....Jeezus, close your eyes or something, it's creepin' me out.....
Ew. You are totally silent and staring wide eyed at the ceiling. Are you dead? No, I can see that you're kind just looking around at the ceiling.....I don't know what's going on in there but....Jeezus, close your eyes or something, it's creepin' me out.....
The Commanders:
YOU again. I consider myself a kind and giving person, but I have put up with your malarkey for waaaaaaay to long. I'll give you this one last time. If you pull the same shit after I tried to set boundaries last time, I will be referring you out to someone that can "better serve your needs". Are you going to give me the ole, "Please speak quietly, I have a migranine. Turn the music up. Turn the music DOWN. Don't you have any guitar music?! I cannot listen to piano, it sets off my nerves. Can't you cover the window up?! A good massage therapist does this, a good massage therapist does that. Turn the heat down. Turn the heat up. Go softer. Softer. SOFTER! (you realize I'm not even TOUCHING you right now, right??!? You fucking loon.) MORE PRESSURE. PLEASE! Dig in there.! That's giving me a migraine! Use less oil please. Could you use MORE oil?!?!? Your hands should NEVER leave my body! Turn that music DOWN!", again today, are you , lady?!?!?!
Massage your "bra line" in the front? WTF?! Talk to your husband about that one. Ugh. For the love of GOD I'm not interested in listening to an hour of your misandristic bitching. I'm sorry your husband is such a douche and your son is a mouth breathing turd. My husband is the best out there so STFU. What? You want me to massage you like Karen does? WHO THE FUCK IS KAREN?!?!? I don't KNOW Karen and I've never experienced a massage by Karen so how in the name of Beelzebub would I know how she massages?!?!? Alright, LOOK. You lay there talking about all the FANTASTIC massage therapists you've had in the past and how 'green' I am....I've been a kick-ass massage therapist for 10 years!!!!! WHY do you come back to see me THREE fucking times a week?!?!? Answer me THAT, you horrible TROLL! That's IT. I'm done with you. I cringe and grit my teeth every time you come in the door. I'd rather punch myself in the va-jay-jay then deal with you ever again. Let me give you the contact info ofa scanky massage therapist who brings dishonor the the profession and deserves a client like you another massage therapist who can better serve your needs then I can. Ya corpulent TOADY.
Massage your "bra line" in the front? WTF?! Talk to your husband about that one. Ugh. For the love of GOD I'm not interested in listening to an hour of your misandristic bitching. I'm sorry your husband is such a douche and your son is a mouth breathing turd. My husband is the best out there so STFU. What? You want me to massage you like Karen does? WHO THE FUCK IS KAREN?!?!? I don't KNOW Karen and I've never experienced a massage by Karen so how in the name of Beelzebub would I know how she massages?!?!? Alright, LOOK. You lay there talking about all the FANTASTIC massage therapists you've had in the past and how 'green' I am....I've been a kick-ass massage therapist for 10 years!!!!! WHY do you come back to see me THREE fucking times a week?!?!? Answer me THAT, you horrible TROLL! That's IT. I'm done with you. I cringe and grit my teeth every time you come in the door. I'd rather punch myself in the va-jay-jay then deal with you ever again. Let me give you the contact info of
The Fucktards:
Folks, I just LOVE it when I ask you to show me where you are hurting and you answer with, "oh, you'll feel it." In case you thought otherwise, I'M NOT A FUCKING WIZZARD. Yes, I can seek and destroy knots and hypertonic muscle fibers....but most often then not I can't "feel" where your pain is. A knot hiding under your scapula may be referring pain to your occipital ar-oh, NEVER MIND. Just SHOW me, will ya?!?! Just fucking point and help me out?
Girl, are you pulling out a CELL PHONE from under the sheet there?!??! Really?! Your TEXING and SURFING during my massage?!? Just LEAVE. There is absolutely NO hope for you.
You unabashed dude, you! You want me to perform "skin rolling". You are obese. Can I say, NO?
Honey, really? You come in for both 15 minute chair massage and 1 hour sessions on the table and you refuse to rest your head in the face cradle for fear of smudging you makeup? Do you realize how STUPID you look trying to hold your head above the cradle?!?! Your poor neck! You come to see me because YOUR NECK HURTS!!!!! By the way, I SAW you selfishly cut in the Port-a-Potty line at the Zombie Run last year. My 8year old really had to go. Vain bitch.
Oh, for fucks sake, come ON. Look, if you're so content that you fall asleep and totally droll onto the arm rest under your face cradle, fine. Glad your happy. But maybe grab a tissue and clean that slime off of it before you leave?! That kinda shit will make me puke. Thanks so much for leaving this for me to deal with.
Yeah, THANKS, mister for leaving my tip strewn on the table instead of just handing it to me. FYI: I'm not a whore. Thanks for keepin' it classy.
Ok, tough guys! I'm so impressed with you when you tell me, "Don't worry, you can't hurt me!" Oh, yes I fucking can!!!! Get over the whole, "no pain no gain" myth, would ya?!?!? It doesn't have to hurt to heal, Beefcake.
And lastly...the Smokers(also part of the Stinkys but deserving a category of their own):
YOU ALL STINK. All the time. Period. End of story. You don't think you do, but you DO. NEVER, NEVER assume we can't smell it just because YOU can't. No amount of perfume or breath mints will hide it. It only makes the smell more pukeworthy. Only smoking outside and driving with the window open to dissipate the smell does not work, LOL! The toxic smell (and I swear to god, RESIN)oozes from your pores while I'm trying to help heal you. All I can smell are the fumes emanating from your blackened sick lungs. Can't go on about it without retching....
To the other 95% of my clients, you ROCK!!!! You make this profession so exciting, fun, challenging, fulfilling and rich for me! Know that your friendship, or silence, feedback, courtesy, and willingness to take your health seriously is so greatly appreciated! You enrich ME as much as I may enrich you!
Cheers, my friends!
You unabashed dude, you! You want me to perform "skin rolling". You are obese. Can I say, NO?
Honey, really? You come in for both 15 minute chair massage and 1 hour sessions on the table and you refuse to rest your head in the face cradle for fear of smudging you makeup? Do you realize how STUPID you look trying to hold your head above the cradle?!?! Your poor neck! You come to see me because YOUR NECK HURTS!!!!! By the way, I SAW you selfishly cut in the Port-a-Potty line at the Zombie Run last year. My 8year old really had to go. Vain bitch.
Oh, for fucks sake, come ON. Look, if you're so content that you fall asleep and totally droll onto the arm rest under your face cradle, fine. Glad your happy. But maybe grab a tissue and clean that slime off of it before you leave?! That kinda shit will make me puke. Thanks so much for leaving this for me to deal with.
Yeah, THANKS, mister for leaving my tip strewn on the table instead of just handing it to me. FYI: I'm not a whore. Thanks for keepin' it classy.
Ok, tough guys! I'm so impressed with you when you tell me, "Don't worry, you can't hurt me!" Oh, yes I fucking can!!!! Get over the whole, "no pain no gain" myth, would ya?!?!? It doesn't have to hurt to heal, Beefcake.
And lastly...the Smokers(also part of the Stinkys but deserving a category of their own):
YOU ALL STINK. All the time. Period. End of story. You don't think you do, but you DO. NEVER, NEVER assume we can't smell it just because YOU can't. No amount of perfume or breath mints will hide it. It only makes the smell more pukeworthy. Only smoking outside and driving with the window open to dissipate the smell does not work, LOL! The toxic smell (and I swear to god, RESIN)oozes from your pores while I'm trying to help heal you. All I can smell are the fumes emanating from your blackened sick lungs. Can't go on about it without retching....
To the other 95% of my clients, you ROCK!!!! You make this profession so exciting, fun, challenging, fulfilling and rich for me! Know that your friendship, or silence, feedback, courtesy, and willingness to take your health seriously is so greatly appreciated! You enrich ME as much as I may enrich you!
Cheers, my friends!
1 comment:
Seriously, you should not be in this business you are about as shallow as a gutter puddle. Way to make the majority of lovely clients feel super self conscious and make our job even harder trying to relax them and make them feel comfortable you complete and utter moron. An observation: If clients are turning to their phones during your treatments then you clearly suck at being a massage therapist, I've never had any of the above 'problems' you've listed but then again like attracts like! If anyone reading this article is now put off seeking treatment from a massage therapist please be rest assured that the majority of us are not condescending, judgement A-holes like the author of this ridiculous article
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