This brain glitch of mine has affected my life in negative ways since childhood. Growing up in the 70s-80s, quiet girls with ADD didn't get noticed in school and diagnosed. The ADHD boys did because they usually had the hyperactive component of this disorder rendering teachers frazzeled and exhausted. I was just labeled "LAZY", "unmotivated", "careless", "dreamy". I spent many many years thinking that I just wasn't very bright. Maybe I was retarded and my parents worked very hard to hide it!?
My ADD fed bullying, bred misunderstanding with my parents and teachers, made finishing college an impossibility, and has negatively impacted many of my jobs and relationships. I have left a wake of irritated, inconvenienced, disappointed people behind me.
With ADD comes an abundance of shame, guilt, embarrassment, isolation.......
It wasn't until I was 36 that I took action. I had long suspected some type of learning disability or ADD but also held that very irrational fear that I would probably just be told that I'm simply not very bright. I didn't want to face that. After having a baby and becoming a stay at home mom, my inability to hold down the house became a point of contention for my husband and I. I had all day at home, why weren't things getting done? I was trying very hard to handle this new job of mine. And to anyone outside my brain, it simply looked like I was an unmotivated, insensitive, scatterbrained, housewife type. I don't blame Miles for feeling concerned and upset at all....But it just wasn't true. And I HAD to find out, once and for all, what the HELL was wrong with me. So, after discussing my lot in life with a therapist, she referred me to a Neuropsychologist for a 3 day barrage of tests to uncover what was up with my faulty brain. Attention Deficit Inattentive Disorder it was. When he went over the results with me, the first thing he said-with a chuckle-was, "Well, your fears of being retarded are unfounded.....your intelligence scored very high, in the SUPERIOR range! ADD is simply the weight tied to your foot making it hard to stay afloat. The weakest link in your chain, if you will." I cried. It was SUCH a relief to let go of that stupid childhood fear. I felt such pride to know that I was actually damned SMART! ROT in HELL all you people who fed my feelings of inferiority over the years!!!!
Since my diagnosis I have tried a few different meds for ADD with no real results. The cruelest experience being a combination of 2 meds that worked wonders for about ONE month. It was like I woke up a new person! I could stay on task! I could remember and recall little details and facts! I was ON THE BALL! Mind in overdrive! For the first time in my life, the veil of ADD was lifted and I truly experienced my "superior intelligence" for the first time! It was amazing! But it only lasted a short while.... Slowly as the days went by I could tangibly feel that veil descending again. Distraction and overstimulation settled back in...my memory and ability to organize worsened.... And then, heartbreakingly, I was back to "normal". It was very "Flowers for Algernon". We tweaked the dosage for awhile, tried new meds. Nothing really worked. A lot of time, money, and energy wasted. NOT worth putting CRAP into my body for, that's for sure. The ONLY thing that I have felt makes a small dent in my ADD is the OMEGAS. Glorious natural salmon oil. So I take an overdose every day and it helps take the edge off, if you will. My current plan of action nowadays, is to remain armed with knowledge(books, articles, resources filed away), know my limitations and not over-commit, and to readily admit my limitations to people without shame. I struggle with the idea that people may think I use it as an excuse. I DO NOT. I NEED to inform people about who I am and how I operate. ADD is an insidious bugger. It's unfair. To people not in the know, it can make you look like a insensitive selfish ass....a total air head....a not very bright person....and I am NONE of these. I HAVE to let the people around me know that. Friends, co-workers, bosses..... whoever's lives I may affect.
In the future, I would like to delve back into some cognitive function work like CogMed to see what that brings me..... But for now, it is what it is. I work with it the best that I can... Actually, I bet "they" have created a Godamned iPHONE APP that works with training ADD brains!!!!! For Free!
............But what I wouldn't give to be able to synthesize and recall information....One of my greatest desires is to be able to really carry on great debates with people-especially political and ethical-without fear of loosing my train of thought, without my mind going blank and not being able to recall facts, without sounding uninformed....like that one month when I had such mental clarity, when I truly lived up to that superior intellect.......why is it SNOWING in mid May? I need to get Willa up or we'll be runninL8..... I need to pick up grad fixin's for Dylan's party. This computer gets REALLY hot on my legs.....What is that bird call I'm hearing? My Buddha fountain sounds so peaceful. I shouldn't have had that piece of cake last night. Tonight is Willa's play! Shit I need to wake Wil- ooooo! A snowshoe hare!!! Pretty!
